“I sure wish my stove came with a ‘Save As’ button like Word has. That way I could experiment with my cooking and not fear ruining my dinner.”    ~Jarod Kintz

Today’s lesson, class, will be instruction for all newlyweds on what to do with that box of Bisquick in your pantry. We will also learn what NOT to do with it.

My dear mother taught me and my sister many things growing up. She was a meticulous housekeeper. She was brought up well by her own mother who was a fanatic when it came to a clean house. The American idiom truly applied to Yvonne McCammon: She was so clean you could have eaten off of her floors. Period.

Every Saturday morning, rain or shine, we went straight to our bedroom that we shared, after doing the breakfast dishes, and started on our room. Now, mind you, it wasn’t dirty. We weren’t allowed to get it dirty. But nevertheless, we had to take everything off of our dresser, and nightstands, then dust and clean each knick-knack. The bottom of the closet had to be cleared out, swept, put back together and our beds changed, room vacuumed and windows cleaned.

It sounds like torture, but the room was small and we didn’t have that much. With the two of us working together we were done in no time. Let me back up a bit…there were four of us “kids”, all two years apart. My sister is the oldest then adorable me, and the two bratty brothers, or at least they were then! Rhea, I liked to call her Marcia when we were growing up, and I was Jan and the boys were Peter and Bobby. It made for a lot of fun especially when they left Marcia in charge and Peter and Bobby started their usual trouble. Poor Marcia, it’s a wonder she survived. But survive she did and I love her dearly!

I am digressing, but I want you to remember that for a later post! So Mother taught us how to take care of the house very well and all four of us are great housekeepers to this day! None of us can stand a dirty bathroom, which is a real pet-peeve! And to my credit I have passed that on to my own children. But I never really learned how to cook very well before I married because I was too busy cleaning. And The Sweetheart came into the picture at a very young age. I fell madly in love. Well, I did! We dated three whole years and were married when I was a mature eighteen. Ahem.

Not quite two years later precious little Kyle Douglas comes into the picture and I still am not Betty Crocker material but I am trying. I am more like Erma Bombeck! She once said, “Seize the moment! Remember all those women on the Titanic who waved off the dessert cart!”

So I borrow recipes from Mom, my sisters-in-law Sue and Dixie, mother-in-law, and my wonderful next-door neighbor Kathy. She taught me how to grill and make sauces and salads and saved my life many a weeknight.

But I was always wanting to impress The Sweetheart and do something all by myself. So I was periodically experimenting with recipes and sometimes they worked but mostly they flopped.

One night I was sure I had nailed it. My brother J.D. was over for dinner, Kyle was now about three years old and I was excited to bring out this new dish I had created from the back of a box of Bisquick. I knew I had followed the recipe exactly; I had the oven turned up from the faithful 350 to 400 and had baked it for the time specified. Nothing could have gone wrong. We all set down, in the dining room.

I was that sure.

I had a nice tossed salad with all the toppings prepared. I even had dessert!

I sat everything on the table and gathered everyone in. Finally I went and retrieved the Cheeseburger Pie out of the oven. Hot and bubbly, it sizzled as I gently sat it down on the homemade quilted potholder. Everyone “oooh-ed and aahh-ed” as I cut into the juicy, beefy goodness. Kyle kept asking what it was and saying how “hun-gee” he was. I was so excited; it was going to be a memory-making night!!

“Me first, me first!” Kyle said as I passed around the plates. J.D. warned him to wait a minute because it was so hot and that we hadn’t prayed and thanked God for our food. Of course Kyle had to be the one to pray too.

Finally it was time to dig in. Now, little three year old boys are so sweet and innocent. They love their Mommy’s unconditionally. They always want to please and would never hurt your feelings. Kyle was the light of my life. Matter of fact, he was the sunshine of all of our lives; he was the first grandchild on my side of the family so he was definitely the center of attention. His uncles and aunts adored him, no doubt. We all hung on his every word. So when he had something to say we all looked to him with eyes wide open and waited…

Kyle had taken a big bite of cheeseburger pie and was kind of turning it over in his mouth. I had gotten up to go get something out of the kitchen and had come back just in time to see the look on his face. The Sweetheart and J.D. were concentrated on Kyle, intent on not taking their eyes off of his expression. What was going on?

Kyle answered it for us all… He finally swallowed big, opened his mouth and said, “This is SCHLICK!”

The Sweetheart and J.D. had tried their best to keep their composure and were not going to say anything.

What I had forgotten to tell you was that this young bride didn’t realize she was to drain the grease from the hamburger FIRST…yeah, that’s pretty gross…so Kyle was right, it was SCHLICK!

I sat down, looked at my plate, which was by now swimming in grease, and decided to forego my first bite. The guys, unfortunately, were afraid of hurting my feelings and were eating like nobody’s business!! Troopers they were too, trying to pretend nothing was wrong with it. Right. I got up, grabbed their plates and the pan before the tears started to fall and hurried everything to the kitchen. I had messed up again!

There was to be no dinner at the family table tonight. We were going out! I would never make that mistake again, I am now obsessive compulsive about it. I don’t just drain grease, I shake it, pat it, and shimmy it until every single drop is squeezed out! I’m not about to sit a casserole in front of my family that can swim its way back across the table again. But I have been the subject of many jokes through the years, much to my chagrin.

So, my advice to young housewives? If you are going to use Bisquick, definitely stick with the pancakes or strawberry shortcake. You can’t mess that up! And never, ever, I repeat, never make, eat, or even try the Cheeseburger Pie. It’s just too Schlick!